As Akiva's first birthday nears, I've been thinking back to where I was last year at this time - happily gestating, excited for him to be born. I also have been thinking more about where things jumped the rails. My blood pressure went up around week 36. No one told me to go lie down. No one told me to eat extra protein (both are routinely suggested to moms whose blood pressure goes up near the due date). No one suggested anything other than induction. No one told me induction would dramatically raise my chances of having a c-section - something I wanted absolutely to avoid and my midwives knew it.
I'm sad when I think about what Akiva and I both lost on that day. I think about it less frequently overall, but as his birthday comes near it's on my mind more and more. I've written a letter to my midwives detailing exactly where I think they failed me (though I blame my ignorant pre-baby self more than anything). They listened and one even responded that she would take my words to heart and try to treat the next woman in my situation differently. But I'm still sad.
I've gotten more involved in birth as I believe it is meant to be - no interventions unless absolutely necessary. I'm training as a birth doula. I'll be attending the birth of my friend's baby as a doula-in-training in the next few weeks.
I've tried to put out the word to pregnant women to question everything their care provider tells them - ask for research, ask if what is being recommended is policy, ask if there are other options. Too many times, women believe that their OB/midwife has the patient's best interests in mind. Too often, the OB/midwife is making decisions according to policy or convenience without the patient directly in mind. Don't believe me? The cesarean rate in North America is over 30% in most places - a ridiculous number that tells more about our society's fear of childbirth than it does about our success in lowering maternal/infant mortality rates (the U.S. has among the highest maternal/infant mortality rates in the western world).
Would I have gotten to know as much about birth if I hadn't had a c-section? Probably not. I take solace in the fact that my experience my help another mama avoid an unnecessary c-section.
Do I adore my son and am I thankful for him every day? Absolutely. Do I hate the way he was brought into the world? You better believe it.
Cesareans are wonderful life-saving tools when necessary.
Mine wasn't.
A woman on my ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) list recently paraphrased a quote she'd heard: "Birth isn't only about making babies; it's also about making mothers."
1 comment:
Oh Kelly, it makes me so sad to hear you are carrying this around with you. It sounds like cleverly disguised guilt to me--something we mothers grow plenty of without having to create it on our own. As a veteran of two C-sections and no "natural" births, I've never given the birth experience a second's thought. To me, it was all about the baby, not the birth. Remorse about a birth experience is like remorse about a wedding. It's not the wedding that counts, it's the marriage. Just like it's not Akiva's birth that matters, it's his life and the joy he brings. Yes, both of the c-sections I had were unexpected and traumatic, but until I read your post, it never occurred to me to be resentful about them. I applaud your efforts to educate women about birth, but please stop beating yourself up about what you 'allowed' to happen. Release that negative energy and make your peace with it.
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